I apologize for my sporadic blogging lately... I am gonna have to fill some gaps with my plans to write a book!! I am finally home from spring training and have some serious mixed emotions about it. I had such a blast being with my team, Lindsay and MB. I can't even begin to explain the nonsense that occurred on this trip. There was a lot of dancing, singing, laughing and lacrosse. All of which I have missed more than anything.
As I face this opponent in my life I continue to learn more about myself and the people around me. I have been blessed with such caring and fun people who continue to support and look out for me. Watching the game of lacrosse is a hard thing for me. I am very passionate about the sport and would give anything to be on the field again. But with this week I have learned that I have such a strong passion for coaching that I will be just fine being on the sideline. Lindsay has often told me about how rewarding coaching is, to put time in a player and see them succeed. She was right. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I already have a connection with a majority of the people I am now coaching. My team means the world to me. They have been there through some of my toughest moments in life and just continue to stick by my side. They now warm up in lime green shirts that say, "Fight Like a Girl," on the front, and the back says, "4," and, "Still we rise, still we fight." That definitely made me cry! I figured I would be emotional watching the first game because of the fact that I wasn't out their with them, but I was crying for a whole different reason. There are moments throughout this whole process, where I feel like I don't deserve to complain. Or that I am not really fighting anything. I know that sounds crazy, but it's just how I feel. So seeing 27, (not a proper coaching term, but,) friends, warming up in that shirt hit me hard. I am fighting everyday. And I do have the right to complain, everyone has that right from time to time. They just gave me 27 reasons to fight harder.
There was a moment on spring break where I did have a complete break down. The girls were out on the beach at night filming a scene for their music video, yeah, they're weird. I decided to go check it out and was immediately side tracked by the sky. The stars were breath taking and reminded me of two different moments in my life. The first was camping with my family when I was little. That one got me just because I missed my family and love the memories of those trips. And the second memory was of the summer camp I work at. The sky at night there is incredible, and a lot of times I will sit on duty and just think about life while staring at the sky. As I snapped back to reality from these memories I began to cry. I missed those moments and the people involved in those moments so much, but the worst part was thinking back to a day without cancer. I only have 7 more treatments, but to me that feels like a lifetime. Lindsay came over to see what I was doing and I told her about those memories. As we were talking I told her that sometimes I wish I could quit. I told her how much I hate complaining, but it's hard. I hate being weak, I hate being sick, and I just hate cancer. I told Lindsay that I would never actually quit, but I hate feeling like a burden. She of course told me how crazy I am, but most of all she just let me talk and cry. After we talked about it for a couple of minutes, she hugged me and just reassured me that I am going to beat this in no time. I am the luckiest person to have her in my life through this. She has become my big sister, and a medicine nag! But I wouldn't change her nagging for second.
There were a couple other moments on the trip that were a pretty big deal for me. One night after I got out of the shower I decided to show a bunch of the girls my balding head. When I pull my hair back it covers all my bald spots so they hadn't really seen it yet. After showing them, I pulled Lola out and let some of the girls try her on. We all had a good laugh, but for a couple of girls I could tell they didn't like it. I understand, no one likes to deal with it, but it was a huge thing for me to show so many people my balding head. On the way home from the trip I was sharing a seat with one of my closest friends. I don't remember how it came up, but I asked Morgan how she was going to handle seeing me bald. She said that it wasn't going to be easy for her, and my response was, "why?" I told her that I have cancer now and she handles it just fine. And she said, "because then it will be more real." And she's right. I am nervous for that day too. I think when that moment happens, this will become a whole new level of 'real' for myself. That day will be one of the hardest yet.
I guess what I am trying to say is that fighting for anything is hard. Whether it's a lacrosse game, surviving school, or fighting for your health, there are always times when you want to quit. And I think that's alright. As long as in those moments of weakness you can get a grasp of a reason worth the fight. That is what my team, my family, my beliefs, and Lindsay, have continued to do for me. So, yeah, life's hard sometimes, but it's worth the fight. Fight with purpose. Fight with pride. And fight with the knowledge that someone out there is in your corner for when you fall. If you can't find them, look to me. I fight for you, I'll fight with you, and I'll fight when there seems to be nothing else left to do.
As I face this opponent in my life I continue to learn more about myself and the people around me. I have been blessed with such caring and fun people who continue to support and look out for me. Watching the game of lacrosse is a hard thing for me. I am very passionate about the sport and would give anything to be on the field again. But with this week I have learned that I have such a strong passion for coaching that I will be just fine being on the sideline. Lindsay has often told me about how rewarding coaching is, to put time in a player and see them succeed. She was right. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I already have a connection with a majority of the people I am now coaching. My team means the world to me. They have been there through some of my toughest moments in life and just continue to stick by my side. They now warm up in lime green shirts that say, "Fight Like a Girl," on the front, and the back says, "4," and, "Still we rise, still we fight." That definitely made me cry! I figured I would be emotional watching the first game because of the fact that I wasn't out their with them, but I was crying for a whole different reason. There are moments throughout this whole process, where I feel like I don't deserve to complain. Or that I am not really fighting anything. I know that sounds crazy, but it's just how I feel. So seeing 27, (not a proper coaching term, but,) friends, warming up in that shirt hit me hard. I am fighting everyday. And I do have the right to complain, everyone has that right from time to time. They just gave me 27 reasons to fight harder.
There was a moment on spring break where I did have a complete break down. The girls were out on the beach at night filming a scene for their music video, yeah, they're weird. I decided to go check it out and was immediately side tracked by the sky. The stars were breath taking and reminded me of two different moments in my life. The first was camping with my family when I was little. That one got me just because I missed my family and love the memories of those trips. And the second memory was of the summer camp I work at. The sky at night there is incredible, and a lot of times I will sit on duty and just think about life while staring at the sky. As I snapped back to reality from these memories I began to cry. I missed those moments and the people involved in those moments so much, but the worst part was thinking back to a day without cancer. I only have 7 more treatments, but to me that feels like a lifetime. Lindsay came over to see what I was doing and I told her about those memories. As we were talking I told her that sometimes I wish I could quit. I told her how much I hate complaining, but it's hard. I hate being weak, I hate being sick, and I just hate cancer. I told Lindsay that I would never actually quit, but I hate feeling like a burden. She of course told me how crazy I am, but most of all she just let me talk and cry. After we talked about it for a couple of minutes, she hugged me and just reassured me that I am going to beat this in no time. I am the luckiest person to have her in my life through this. She has become my big sister, and a medicine nag! But I wouldn't change her nagging for second.
There were a couple other moments on the trip that were a pretty big deal for me. One night after I got out of the shower I decided to show a bunch of the girls my balding head. When I pull my hair back it covers all my bald spots so they hadn't really seen it yet. After showing them, I pulled Lola out and let some of the girls try her on. We all had a good laugh, but for a couple of girls I could tell they didn't like it. I understand, no one likes to deal with it, but it was a huge thing for me to show so many people my balding head. On the way home from the trip I was sharing a seat with one of my closest friends. I don't remember how it came up, but I asked Morgan how she was going to handle seeing me bald. She said that it wasn't going to be easy for her, and my response was, "why?" I told her that I have cancer now and she handles it just fine. And she said, "because then it will be more real." And she's right. I am nervous for that day too. I think when that moment happens, this will become a whole new level of 'real' for myself. That day will be one of the hardest yet.
I guess what I am trying to say is that fighting for anything is hard. Whether it's a lacrosse game, surviving school, or fighting for your health, there are always times when you want to quit. And I think that's alright. As long as in those moments of weakness you can get a grasp of a reason worth the fight. That is what my team, my family, my beliefs, and Lindsay, have continued to do for me. So, yeah, life's hard sometimes, but it's worth the fight. Fight with purpose. Fight with pride. And fight with the knowledge that someone out there is in your corner for when you fall. If you can't find them, look to me. I fight for you, I'll fight with you, and I'll fight when there seems to be nothing else left to do.
