"YOLO, you only live once..." a phrase that has been used constantly lately when you listen to a song or log on to twitter. I guess before it became ridiculously popular, I either didn't pay attention or just didn't care. The first time it sunk in for me I actually took a picture. It was a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed. I sat down in my normal seat for class and someone had written it on my desk. So simple, it was like I almost anticipated what was ahead for me. I remember thinking that day how true the phrase was. I thought to myself, "time to do me, face my fears, and live." I have faced more fear in the past six months than I ever thought possible. And along the way I've made life decisions that I will always be grateful for. A few of which I probably never would've committed too, if it weren't for this battle. Nothing crazy of course, just more along the lines of giving my all to reach my dreams, putting myself first, and realizing the kind of people I want in my life. I can honestly say I don't regret anything I've done in my life and with this journey I'm not sure I ever will.
I've learned so much, for example if I have to be bald, my head isn't that terrible for it! I was so scared to lose my hair, what 22 year old female wouldn't be?! But I rock my bald head. I'm proud of it! I took this thing head on and took all control of it. I hope that power is something I carry with me forever. I have realized that sometimes the fairy tale isn't what it seems. You have to take a step back and really look at a situation. But I won't give up dreaming for the fairy tale, because I know it exists. And I've become extremely aware of negativity. I don't know how many times I can say, "somewhere, someone has it worse." There are times when I wish I could slap people across the face with that phrase! Call me rude if you want, but I'm also not biting my tongue these days either!
Life is too short to play 'negative nancy' all the time. At some point you have to suck it up and deal. I consider myself lucky these days. I am battling this dumb thing and I am sick and I am tired, but I am living. I will be healthy again and my family is healthy, what more could I want? One of the crazy things with cancer is that you seem to become everyone's shrink. It's not a bad thing, but even my parents get it. Some days you just want to say, "oh, is that all?" Obviously, I don't do that, but its tempting.
I have a few wishes I've come up with through all of this. The first is that I sincerely wish I could fight cancer for everyone and just have it disappear. I hate cancer and hate that anyone has to fight it, but I will forever be willing to support and fight with anyone going through it. I wish I could really share what I have learned with people my age, because I am so grateful for every lesson. And I wish that everyone could realize that the world isn't that terrible of a place. You just have to make the best of it and believe that good things and good people exist. Stop focusing on all the bad in your life and start embracing the good. I promise if you do this for even one day, you'll be so much happier!
Just a lot of rambling I guess. But two more treatments left and I'm giving it my all... Less than a month till I ring the bell, see two of the greatest people I know get married, and head off to camp. I can't wait!
All day, everyday. Still I rise, still I fight.
